Highest Highs to Lowest Lows

There have been times in my life where I have experienced some of the most spiritual experiences in my life; firesides, temple visits, testimony meetings, member visits, etc.  It has been awesome!  I come home after that and feel so high on the spirit that I feel as if I can do anything.  I always recommit myself at that point to do better in following the commandments and in serving others.  It seems that nothing can go wrong at that point and I thank my Heavenly Father for the great blessings I have received, then the most unusual thing happens.  I get a very strong desire to look at pornography. Why would that happen?  It is to the point where 99% of the time I cannot resist and fall back into the cycle. 

If you can imagine or maybe have felt the spiritual high I described above, can you imagine the low I feel after falling that far after returning to the cycle of pornography?

What do you think?  Why does this happen, does it happen to others or am I alone in this?

Something to thing about…

Focus on the Important Things

Having that focus makes a hung difference.  Here is the list of the most important things to me that help me stay focused: 

• Being there for my family
• Being worthy of the Priesthood of God
• Being worthy of the Spirit of God
• Being worthy to perform ordinances (blessings, baptisms of my kids, ordinations to the priesthood for my boys, etc.)
• Being worthy to enter the temple of God
• Being able to be with my wife in the eternities

This way, my mind stays focused and doesn’t wander into strange paths.

What is on your list?  What do you do to help keep your mind focused on the important things?

Apology…

I would like to apologize to anyone who might be following this blog, hoping for some help or insight into helping themselves with their pornography addiction.  I have not been very good at keeping up on this blog.  I’m going to do better.  I know how much it helps others to hear about others’ experiences on overcoming a pornography addiction. 

Today, let me just share a link to a blog post by Mark Kastleman, the co-founder of Candeo.

Pornography and the Mole Crickets

This article describes exactly what is happening in our society today.  The question is: “How much damage will the underground mole crickets of porn inflict before we take it all seriously?”

Source: Candeo

Forgiveness

For all those who may be reading this post, I apologize for the long break between posts.  It has been a very stressful time.   It has only been two months but in some ways it has felt like an eternity.   I have had a handful of slip ups over these last two months.  I would contribute that more to having less of an opportunity to view pornography than of my own will to change.  Don't get me wrong, I do have a will to change.  I want to change more than anything.  I want this yoke removed from me.  I frequently feel that it is pulling me down and I am unable to progress or fully understand what my full potential is because of it.  This weakness is a great burden and I hope and pray each day that the Lord will take it from me.  

I have made progess.  The last two times I have slipped, I have taken the more difficult road, especially for me, and told my wife the same day that it happened.  She is truly the most understanding and supportive person I know.  How many wives would stick with their husbands through something like this?  I love her more than anything.  It is because of her and the kids that I continue to fight this.  

My most recent slip up was this morning.  I told me wife and asked for her for her forgiveness.  On my way to work, a thought hit me.  I realized the amazing power of forgiveness part of repentance.  I was in a very dark and cloudy mood after I slipped.  I was feeling guilty and feeling sorry for myself.  After asking for forgiveness from my wife, it was almost as if a veil was lifted or a weight was taken off my shoulders.   After thinking about that while driving to work, I realized that don't have to rely upon myself to over come this.  Christ gave us the answer: "Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light." (Matthew 11:28-30)

Trust in the Lord

I have discovered over the last week the importance of trusting in the Lord. The ways that I have trusted in the Lord over the last week is three-fold. First, I trust in the Lord through following the counsel of the Bishop. The Bishop gave me some very good suggestions on how to overcome my addiction to pornography. Second, I trust in the Lord through taking time in my day to read the scriptures or the talks given in General Conference. The talks especially have given me hope as well as a greater desire to "trust in the Lord." Third, I trust in the Lord through saying morning and evening prayers. Elder Bednar taught that "[w]e are promised that if we pray sincerely for that which is right and good and in accordance with God’s will, we can be blessed, protected, and directed." (Pray Always, Elder David A. Bednar) I have felt a closeness to the Spirit this last week that I have not felt for a long time. There are two scriptures that explain my feelings probably better than I can:

"O Lord, I have trusted in thee, and I will trust in thee forever. I will not put my trust in the arm of flesh; for I know that cursed is he that putteth his trust in the arm of flesh. Yea, cursed is he that putteth his trust in man or maketh flesh his arm." (2 Nephi 4:34)

"Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding." (Proverbs 3:5)

The Strength of the Temple

This morning I had an opportunity to attend the temple. My Bishop has asked that I attend the temple weekly. Being close enough to temple, I have the opportunity and blessing to be able to do that. What a glorious experience! It just rejuvenates and strengthens you. I highly recommend anyone who is struggling with a pornography addiction that has the ability to attend the temple regularly. Obviously it is important to be worthy to enter into the House of the Lord. As you set that goal to attend the temple regularly (as often as you can) the Lord will strengthen your resolve and you will become worthy to attend the temple. Then you can share in the power that is in the Lord's house. You will then be strengthened even more. The Lord will fulfill his promise as stated in Doctrine and Covenants 84:88 which states "...I will go before your face. I will be on your right hand and on your left, and my Spirit shall be in your hearts, and mine angels round about you, to bear you up."

On a side note, I have learned another thing this week that might benefit anyone who is struggling with addiction. Talk to someone about it. This someone should be someone you trust and that are you very close to. Someone who will not judge you but will love you and support you. It is recommended that it be your spouse if you are married or a very close friend. I have found that to be true in my own life. If I share my experiences with this addiction, even the failures, with my spouse, she is there to support me and lift me up.

I know I haven't done this everytime but I would like to share a scripture. This scripture came to me this last week when I was sharing a spiritual thought at someone's home. I found it to be very powerful:

Yea, verily, verily I say unto you, if all men had been, and were, and ever would be, like unto Moroni, behold, the very powers of hell would have been shaken forever; yea, the devil would never have power over the hearts of the children of men. (Alma 48:17)

Resisting Temptation

So much for my will to resist or listen to the Holy Spirit. The temptation to look at pornography overcame me today and my mind must have delved too deep into the abyss that I couldn't pull myself out until I reached climax. I know, this is a lot more than anybody ever wanted to know about my weaknesses but it helps me to put it down and think about what happened. Anyways, all I can say was I was BLASTed. According to Mark Kastleman, co-founder of Candeo, BLASTed stands for Bored, Burned out, Lonely, Anxious, Afraid, Angry, Stressed or Tired.[1] I was bored and tired and again, just like usual, my mind started to immediately go down the road of pornography. Whenever I am not busy doing something, that is where my mind immediately goes. It is as if my brain has formed a habit that when I have time on my hands (even if it just a few seconds) my mind uses pornography as a filler. That does make sense from what I have heard and read. What I need to do is fill my mind with other things I enjoy doing that will replace what my brain is currently doing now.

Before I started on this post, I read a post on another blog. This post, which was simply titled "Desires" gave me a lot to think about. How strong is my desire to overcome this addiction? What do I honestly need to do to achieve that desire? How is God going to grant me that desire without asking Him? (Alma 29:4) It seems like a simple thing but with profound results. If I ask God in prayer to give my the desire I need to change my heart and mind and I believe that he will hear and answer my prayer then that desire will build within me and change my heart and mind to a point in which I will have "no more desire to do evil." (Alma 19:33) I have always prayed to give me the strength to overcome or withstand, not the desire to change my heart or mind. Thank you Ed for your wonderful insight!

[1] Note: If you would like to know more about what is taught at Candeo, sign-up for the mini-course and you will receive seven keys to overcoming your addiction.