There have been times in my life where I have experienced some of the most spiritual experiences in my life; firesides, temple visits, testimony meetings, member visits, etc. It has been awesome! I come home after that and feel so high on the spirit that I feel as if I can do anything. I always recommit myself at that point to do better in following the commandments and in serving others. It seems that nothing can go wrong at that point and I thank my Heavenly Father for the great blessings I have received, then the most unusual thing happens. I get a very strong desire to look at pornography. Why would that happen? It is to the point where 99% of the time I cannot resist and fall back into the cycle.
If you can imagine or maybe have felt the spiritual high I described above, can you imagine the low I feel after falling that far after returning to the cycle of pornography?
What do you think? Why does this happen, does it happen to others or am I alone in this?
Something to thing about…
4 comments:
You are not alone. The same thing happens to me, and I have the same questions you have. It is a relief to know that I'm not the only one dumbfounded by this pattern.
I don't have all the answers, but one thing I've noticed is that sometimes I feel a little anxious after a church event. This could be because I usually sit and don't move much at church events, so I "get the wiggles." I'm finding that if I exercise regularly this anxiety is lessened and I don't feel like acting out in an unhealthy way.
Hmmm, Yes I can relate to you guys as well. Like I had a wonderful lesson and got high as flying in a spiritual light world and then suddenly fall and imagining my self watching the same filth again.
I think its probably the gap between feeling high and feeling low which has to be filled first before we can truly live a well balanced life. From that i mean learning life management skills which includes emotional management as well. I think by being more self aware we can break out of this addiction which is keeping us powerless on many things which we can achieve in life...
You know everybody grows with time and that's the case with you people. In my case it has been the other way round, that is I am in sort of a reverse cycle in life.
I am 28 now. All my life my parents especially mom kept me spiritually active, aware and alive.
With a lot of encouragement from momma, I learnt meditation and used to practice it regularly. This helped me spiritually, mentally and physically as well.
I used to be always high and motivated, I used to resolve conflicts at home, school, colleges even neighbour's personal problems. I used to take special care of my physiq as well. I used to follow a diet. Exercised properly. I had neat, lean and good physique.
I was so attractive that very early, as early as at the age of 10, females used to visit my place saying they wanted to meet my sissy and they used to come to my room and just lie down on my bed. Since I was spiritually alive I kicked out all the females. Didnt even look at them.
I finished studies, got a job in a MNC and shifted to Bengaluru.
Hired a 2BHK, Started staying alone.
As I got the taste of money which got me access to all kinds of stuff like mobile, PC, Laptop, Internet connection, TV, DVD player, Alcohol, cigarettes.
Here starts my destruction. I stopped meditating, havnt been to temple since more than a year.
Since I was good looking (look like a fat bull now) females from my office started to come to my house. Initially I used to kick them out. But they started dashing me, touching my private parts in office right on my seat. So I lost that self control. I got my dick sucked in the office the very first time.
Once that happened, I could not recover. I indulged in sexual activities at all the places. I indulged sexually with a few females in office. Went to homes of other few females. Some came to my place.
Sometimes 3 to 4 females used to come to my house, on weekends, they used to get Alcohol, food and suff(porn). We used to do whatever they showed in the DVD. Can't imagine I did all that.
So slowly I started taking offs and doing stuff, then I had to forcibly take offs as my health started to get upset, Finally Doc asked me to stop smoking else it might become serious.
Due to my carelessness, I lost job, money females and everything.
Now, I am at home, trying to recover, its been 8 months since I am at home. I have almost recovered from the shock, the bad habits (spending money, alcohol, smoking, females)
Now I need time to brush up my skills and look for a job.
Thank goodness I did not get into doping.
Thank goodness I have great parents who are always by my side to support me pep-me-up.
So, now I understand the importance of self control, meditation and Indian cultures and values.
It seems to me that the solution has very little to do with the problem. If you track down the necessary steps to obtaining the "mighty change of heart" you cite in the scriptures, you begin to see the difference between managing the problem, and having the Lord remove it. My own personal experience is that if you want treatments, use your own wisdom, wits, medicine, etc. If you want a CURE, it requires turning your whole self, life, time, free will, over to Jesus Christ. A change of environment or behavior is not enough; a change of nature, facilitated by the Atonement, is the only way out.
3+ years of abstinence is not the result of willpower; it is the result of having the burden of temptation removed by Jesus. The Spirit is the agent through which the Atonement is applied to our hearts, minds, spirits, etc. The degree to which we have the Spirit is the degree to which the Atonement is active in our lives.
I can boil my success down to a few points. They all involve having the Spirit, getting the Spirit, and keeping the Spirit.
1. Faith in Christ. Foster it through study, prayer, etc.
2. Humility. Admit your dependence on the Lord. Never forget it. Be willing to sacrifice anything. Don't imagine that any success is your own doing.
3. Obedience. Determine now to always follow the promptings of the Spirit. If your are sitting on the sofa, and the Spirit prompts you to visit your sick aunt, and you balk and just sit there, you are leaving yourself open to temptation. Remember, the Spirit is what delivers the "change," and what keeps it in place. If you don't follow it, its influence diminishes.
4. Invite the Spirit. You know the list of things that invite the Spirit...Study the scriptures, pray sincerely, sing hymns, attend church and firesides and institute, participate in ordinances, attend the Temple. All these things invite the Spirit to be with you.
5. Avoid things that offend the Spirit. That movie with no pornography, but loaded with violence? It still offends the Spirit, and that leaves you open to temptation. Things not related to pornography at all can leave you open to falling again. Scour your media collection of anything offensive to the Spirit, and destroy it. (Selling it would be hypocritical.) Cease all behaviors that offend the Spirit.
I find that as long as those 5 things are firmly in place in my life, I receive sweet relief from the temptations of pornography. The Lord sets us free, but not to go out and play. He sets us free and enables us to work for Him. If you want freedom, it will be on His terms. Be ready to do whatever He asks.
Also your brother in Christ,
Anonymous
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