Resisting Temptation

So much for my will to resist or listen to the Holy Spirit. The temptation to look at pornography overcame me today and my mind must have delved too deep into the abyss that I couldn't pull myself out until I reached climax. I know, this is a lot more than anybody ever wanted to know about my weaknesses but it helps me to put it down and think about what happened. Anyways, all I can say was I was BLASTed. According to Mark Kastleman, co-founder of Candeo, BLASTed stands for Bored, Burned out, Lonely, Anxious, Afraid, Angry, Stressed or Tired.[1] I was bored and tired and again, just like usual, my mind started to immediately go down the road of pornography. Whenever I am not busy doing something, that is where my mind immediately goes. It is as if my brain has formed a habit that when I have time on my hands (even if it just a few seconds) my mind uses pornography as a filler. That does make sense from what I have heard and read. What I need to do is fill my mind with other things I enjoy doing that will replace what my brain is currently doing now.

Before I started on this post, I read a post on another blog. This post, which was simply titled "Desires" gave me a lot to think about. How strong is my desire to overcome this addiction? What do I honestly need to do to achieve that desire? How is God going to grant me that desire without asking Him? (Alma 29:4) It seems like a simple thing but with profound results. If I ask God in prayer to give my the desire I need to change my heart and mind and I believe that he will hear and answer my prayer then that desire will build within me and change my heart and mind to a point in which I will have "no more desire to do evil." (Alma 19:33) I have always prayed to give me the strength to overcome or withstand, not the desire to change my heart or mind. Thank you Ed for your wonderful insight!

[1] Note: If you would like to know more about what is taught at Candeo, sign-up for the mini-course and you will receive seven keys to overcoming your addiction.

Encompassed and Trapped

“I am encompassed about, because of the temptations and the sins which do so easily beset me. “And when I desire to rejoice, my heart groaneth because of my sins; nevertheless, I know in whom I have trusted. “My God hath been my support; he hath led me through mine afflictions in the wilderness; and he hath preserved me upon the waters of the great deep. “He hath filled me with his love, even unto the consuming of my flesh” (2 Nephi 4:18–21).

In the Addiction Recovery Program Manual by the Church of Jesus Christ, they list this scripture and then ask the question, "Do you feel encompassed or trapped? When do you feel this way most often?" First of all, I would like to say that 2 Nephi 4 is one of my favorite, if not my favorite section of the Book of Mormon. Nephi was a great man, you could even say a great prophet but he was still human and he understood that. This chapter shows that he had weaknesses but he trusted in God that though he has sinned he could be forgiven and overcome everything, with the Lord's help. I turn to this chapter frequently, especially when I am having difficulties. There have been many times in my life in which I have had difficulty with my addiction and it is during those times when I felt encompassed and trapped. That puts me into the OCD cycle and makes me feel very hopeless. Thoughts come to my mind that say, "I will never be able to overcome this" or "Why do I even try?"

Then comes the next question in the manual: When Nephi felt overwhelmed, in whom did he
place his trust? What can you do to place more trust in the Lord? As I said before, Nephi turned to the Lord for help. When I turned to the Lord in fervent and heartfelt prayer, my soul we filled with peace and love. Everytime, I knew, just like I did when I had my prayer answered a few weeks ago that the Lord was there, probably carrying me. I just need to remember to trust in the Lord each and everyday. I cannot forget that. I also need to humble myself to the point that I realize that alone I can do nothing but with the Lord, I can do anything.

Making Progress

It is amazing to me that no matter how much a person might know (namely myself) about pornography and how to fight it. It doesn't make it any easier to stop looking at it. I guess I did make some progress though. I have done extremely well since my last post, which was on Sunday, October 12, 2008. I think part of that was due to the strong impact that my answered prayer had on me and part due to the fact that for half the week I was on vacation at my parents and at the in-laws where there was little to no access to the internet. Today was my first day back to work since last Wednesday. I was tired and probably bored, trying to think of something to do before I left for home. That caused my eyes and mind to wander. I looked for about ten minutes at what I consider soft porn. There was no nudity but there was women what very little clothing on.

I was beginning to go down that funnel and starting thinking about other websites I could go to that would give me the information I desired. I then had another thought. I needed to pull myself out of this funnel immediately. I went to my blog and watched the video "I Know That My Redeemer Lives" from YouTube that was on my last post. It is amazing how the Holy Spirit overpowered the weakness of the flesh. I came out of the funnel and an immediate impression that I needed to post this experience. In some way, I pray that this experience can give others hope that there is a chance for anyone to slowly but surely overcome and change your brain's habits from sexual addiction to something more wholesome and good.

An Answer to Prayer

Let me share with you a little experience that I had which started last night.  As you know from my last post, I slipped back into my addiction... again.  Well, to get it out of my mind and focus on something else I decided I would watch some LDS shows that were on BYU-TV.  Looking back now, I realized that instead, I should've knelt down and prayed to my Heavenly Father for strength and guidance.   I slipped again later that evening (it doesn't help that I am the only one home).  I was tired and lonesome.  

After I finished looking at pornography that second time I had had it.  I felt so guilty and was so full of self-pity.  I felt hopeless.  I didn't know what else to do and I surely didn't feel like the Lord or my Heavenly Father was helping me.  I knelt down at that time and pleaded with my Heavenly Father.  Looking back, I could even say I was angry.  Angry with God for forsaking me, at least that is what I thought at the time.  Angry at myself for giving in.  I was just sick and tired of having this problem and feeling that I was tredding water and not getting anywhere.  I have been dealing with this problem since I was twelve years old!  I have been actively trying to overcome this problem for the last 8-9 years!  I felt like I was at the end of my rope.  I didn't know where to turn and I didn't know what else to do.  I told Heavenly Father that I needed an answer or some sign the He was there and I needed that answer tomorrow or I was likely to just give up trying.  

After the I went to bed and slept remarkedly well.  I woke up refreshed and thinking back to this morning I was really in a peaceful mood but I didn't think anything of it at the time.  Every Sunday I am in the habit of turning on some church music to get the family and I in the right frame of mind for the day.  Today was no different.   I decided to go to BYU Radio and see what was playing.  Right as I hit play, the song "I Know That My Redeemer Lives" started playing.  As soon as I hit play I started getting ready for church and I immediately stopped.  There wasn't a voice, mostly just a feeling but I knew that this was my answer.  I sat down on the couch and listened.  I was struck with such a powerful feeling of peace and comfort I couldn't do anything but sit there.  When the song finished I was just in awe and I thanked my Heavenly Father for what He had just given me and asked for His forgiveness for the way I acted last night.  

"My Redeemer lives!  Heavenly Father hears and answers prayers!  I am not alone in this!"  Those are the thoughts that went through my mind as I was getting ready for church.  I went to church with a renewed spirit and new that I could do this.   I know this is not the end, I will continue to be tested by the adversary but I now know that my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ is with me and will help me each and every day.  The scripture comes to me in which the Savior said, "For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light." (Matt. 11:30)  I believe that completely.

Here is a video I found that is very powerful.  It is a video of pictures of Savior put to the music of "I Know That My Redeemer Lives"

Weakness Back To Strength

This is a very difficult road.  I fell off the horse and now I have to get back on and try again.  The one thing I have to remember is that it is an addiction and I'm in an OCD cycle.  I cannot make myself or force myself to try harder next time.  This is the way my brain is programmed and telling myself that I just need to try harder just makes things worse.  What I need to do is change my brain.  Just as the title of this blog states, I need "a mighty change" to occur in my brain.  Then, as the Lord says in Ether, "I will make weak things become strong unto them."  (Ether 12:27)  I am beginning to really understand what the Lord is saying in that scripture.  From listening to Mark on Candeo that the reason that I ended up so deep in this addiction is because I have great strength that has become a weakness.  What I need to do now is turn that weakness back into a strength.  I'll get there, I know it!

Addiction Recovery

I have to apologize for the long break I had after my first post. I have had problems off and on with my addiction since my first post.  I'm currently in a good spell where I have not had any instances which I have faultered and given in for several days now.  I realized just in the last few days that if I wanted to be completely cured of this I have to do what is necessary to overcome it, especially when I'm not having problems.  

I have discovered a couple of different programs that I'm going to use that I know will help.  One was co-designed by Mark Kastleman.  The website is www.candeocan.com.  I am currently subscribed to the free newsletter that, according to the site, provides a person with a free mini-course that covers "the 7 most important keys to freeing yourself from Pornography Addiction."  The second program could be very familiar to those who are members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.  It is the Church's Addiction Recovery Manual that uses a similar 12-step program that Alcoholics Anonymous uses for people to overcome alcoholism but it intertwines the Gospel of Jesus Christ into the steps.  If you want to know more, download the Addiction Recovery Manual.  As I go through this manual I will be answering the questions in the manual on this blog.  I will also be doing the same thing with the newsletter from Candeo.

I hope what I post will benefit someone, if not just myself.   Each post will end with a scripture that for me has been a scripture that has given me hope and faith that I can overcome this.

“I am encompassed about, because of the temptations and the sins which do so easily beset me.  And when I desire to rejoice, my heart groaneth because of my sins; nevertheless, I know in whom I have trusted.  My God hath been my support; he hath led me through mine afflictions in the wilderness; and he hath preserved me upon the waters of the great deep.  He hath filled me with his love, even unto the consuming of my flesh” (2 Nephi 4:18–21).